Behavioral Psych Studio

Author: Emma Daily

  • 3 Skills for Responding to Invalidating Environments

    3 Skills for Responding to Invalidating Environments

    Invalidation is one of the most corrosive factors in any given relationship. After all, chronic invalidation resides at the heart of DBT’s Biosocial Theory, which expounds upon why one may struggle to control one’s own emotions and actions. Invalidation, at its core, “tells you your emotions are invalid, weird, wrong, or bad” (Linehan, 2015). It can take many different forms, and while the intention may not be harmful, the impact very well might be. Whether at home, at work, in school, or at a social gathering with friends, it is possible that invalidation will arise.

    Some examples of invalidation might look like being ignored, receiving unequal treatment, or being told any iteration of the following:

    • “Stop being such a drama queen!”
    • “You have to move on from this. Normal people don’t care this much about _____.”
    • “It’s not that bad.”
    • “You’re seriously overreacting.”
    • “Just get back on the horse.”

    People in your life who invalidate you are typically doing the best they can in the given moment. Perhaps they aren’t sure what or how to validate you, or they’re experiencing distress watching your distress, and are seeking to ameliorate it as quickly as possible. For example, I distinctly recall driving to prom with my very well-intentioned mother when I was 18 years old. I was feeling insecure and uncomfortable in my own body, and when I shared this, my mother said: ‘You look great! Don’t worry about it!’ My distress was so discomforting to her that, rather than validating my emotions, she proffered a different form of invalidating feedback. This makes sense, in so many ways. Who wants to witness their own child in pain? And, this wasn’t what I needed in that moment, and only furthered my sense of distress.

    Oftentimes, people who invalidate others grew up in invalidating households or social environments. This behavior was learned, over time, and it’s not uncommon that the individuals invalidating you may also be persistently invalidating themselves. This consideration can be a useful tool for building compassion in the face of invalidation, and for removing the inclination to judge and blame — which only contributes to further suffering. Whatever the cause, we have collated three of our favorite skills for responding to an invalidating environment. ​

    Skill 1: Self-Soothe

    While it may be difficult to self-soothe in the presence of the individual who has invalidated you, take some time in the wake of the invalidation to practice self-soothe. You are feeling pain, and that make sense! Practice self-soothing with the six senses (sight, touch, smell, taste, sound, and movement) to re-regulate, and move forward effectively. Sometimes this requires planning ahead with some self-soothe objects or materials. As a starting point, take a look at these ideas for each sense:

    • Sight: Watch a funny YouTube clip from your favorite television show. Go outside and catch the sunset. Pull up a picture of a time that made you feel safe and content.
    • Touch: Purchase some silly putty or a fidget spinner. Pet your cat or dog. Take a nice, long bath or shower.
    • Smell: Brew some fresh coffee or light a candle that you love. Put some hand lotion on and notice the smell.
    • Taste: Mindfully eat a favorite food or drink a healthful beverage that you enjoy.
    • Sound: Listen to your favorite playlist, or pull up a recording of a stream, rainstorm, or bird calls.
    • Movement: Go for a walk outside or try a minute of jumping jacks or burpees. Dance in your bedroom!

    Skill 2: Self-Validate

    While we may be skilled at validating others, it’s often the case that we forget to or struggle to validate ourselves. Use the Six Levels of Validation on yourself, just as you would with a loved one.

    Skill 3: Radical Acceptance 

    Radical Acceptance is a key component on the path towards minimizing suffering. While pain is a fact of life, suffering is a choice. Acknowledge and validate the pain of the invalidation you’ve experienced, and then practice exercises like turning the mind, willing hands, or half-smiling to bolster your pursuit of relief from pain. It may be useful to imagine the invalidating person in your mind’s eye while practicing willing hands or a half-smile, for example.

    Remember, some skills work for some people some of the time, so practice makes progress with all of the above!

     

  • How to Talk about Consent With Your Children

    How to Talk about Consent With Your Children

    Sex. It’s a topic parents often cringe at when thinking about how to broach the subject. And while teaching children about the birds and the bees is an important step toward sexual health and safety, allow me to make another suggestion: talk to your kids about consent too.

    A recent study demonstrated that receiving consent education before college was a protective factor against sexual assault and with unwanted sexual contact occurring every 68 seconds in America, the importance of talking to kids early and often cannot be understated. In addition to preventing harassment, teaching toddlers, tweens, and teens about consent helps them develop a healthy relationship with themselves and others throughout the lifespan.

     Talking to Children

    Although often linked to sex, consent is all about giving permission—a concept that can be applied to many childhood experiences, such as sharing and hugging. Here are some tips for talking to children about consent:

         Let children set their boundaries.

    For young children, conversations about consent can start with bodily autonomy. For example, if your child doesn’t want to hug or kiss a family member, let them know it’s okay. Try saying, “It’s alright if you don’t want to give hugs. Do you want to wave or say a silly hello instead?”

     Or, if you and your child are having a tickle fight and your child says, “Stop!” pause the play and say, “I heard you say stop so I’m going to stop. Let me know if you’d like to keep playing or do something else.”

     Model how to respect the boundaries of others.

    Children often learn through play. If your child is upset that a friend of theirs doesn’t want to play the same game, use this opportunity to tell them, “Games are only fun if both friends want to play” or “Sounds like your friend didn’t want to play that. I wonder if you can find a game you both want to play?” Teach your child to say, “Okay, thanks for telling me” when someone says no.

    Instead of telling your child, “Give your sibling a hug,” switch the script to, “Ask your sibling if they’d like a hug” to model how they can practice asking for consent.

    Remember, consent isn’t limited to physical touch. If we teach children that getting consent means getting permission, then we create more opportunities for children to get comfortable saying no and respecting no. For example, parents can model asking their children, “Can I have a bite of your mac and cheese?” rather than reaching over and helping themselves.

    Talking to Adolescents

    As kids get older, conversations around consent should be much more direct.

    Discuss what consent means for them.

    Oftentimes, consent is confused with a simple “Yes.” In reality, it’s often much less clear. Use the FRIES acronym to teach your teen about what true consent means.

    ● Freely Given: consent is always given without pressure or coercion.

    ● Reversible: people can change their minds and decide to stop at any point — even if they’re in the middle of sexual activity.

    ● Informed: everyone involved needs to know exactly what they are consenting to, every single time.

    ● Enthusiastic: if the “yes” isn’t excited, or if the person is disengaged, it’s a “no.”

    ● Specific: consent is specific to what is being asked in the moment; it is not a green light for future requests.

    Encourage them to reflect on their personal values.

    We want adolescents to feel confident in their sexual decision making. By asking them to consider their reasons for wanting to have sex, what types of intimacy they are comfortable with, and how they intend to be safe during sexual activity, we open up a space for them to reflect on their feelings and their personal readiness level. Parents should also encourage teens to not only think about their own boundaries, but to have open conversations with their partner regularly. Remind teens that sex is never owed regardless of how long they have been with their partner or what other people are doing in their relationships.

    Talk about substance use and consent.

    We want to make it clear that consent cannot be given if someone is intoxicated, asleep, or incapacitated in some way. Any sexual behaviors with a person who can’t consent is assault. Ask your teens to reflect on how they will be safe at parties and collaborate on a safety plan, whether that means having a trusted friend by their side throughout the night or calling you to pick them up if they feel uncomfortable at any point.

    Keep the conversation going.

    Be proactive in talking to your kids about consent. One conversation is not enough. By regularly discussing consent with children and adolescents not only are you modeling that it should be an ongoing conversation to have with their peers and partners, you’re also empowering them with the knowledge and language to do so.

     

  • Pop Quiz: What is the difference between pain and suffering?

    Pop Quiz: What is the difference between pain and suffering?

    There are certain circumstances in life which we cannot fix, we cannot problem solve, and we cannot change. To name a few: how others react, our past experiences, our genetic disposition, death, natural disasters, etc. One might ask: are we just meant to suffer?

    Make a fist with your right hand. This is pain. Pain might be sadness, disappointment, anger, grief, boredom, or anxiety. This pain in our lives is inevitable. Now take your left hand and cup it over your right fist. The pain has now doubled in size and has now morphed into what we call suffering. This left hand represents the rejection of our inevitable pain. We reject pain because it is—well—painful. We do this in many ways by denying, panicking, avoiding, suppressing, or fighting this pain. The goal is to let the left hand go—in other words to accept the pain, thus releasing our suffering.

    In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) we say suffering = pain + non-acceptance.

    How do we accept? Radical acceptance is acknowledging what is with our mind, body, and soul. Accepting our reality does not mean we approve of our reality, make light of our reality, or are passive. However, if we can gently acknowledge what is instead of what we wish it could be then we stop fighting our reality. It is the fighting of our own reality that leads to suffering. If my life is a book, I can hate chapter three but I need to accept that chapter three happened in order to move forward. Chapter three exists whether I like it or not. Change cannot begin to occur until we have accepted the past and the present moment.

    Pain is inevitable. To love is to experience pain. To live is to experience pain. Suffering; however, is a choice.

    When you find yourself saying “Why me?” or “This is so unfair” you are probably stuck in a state of suffering (non-acceptance). Rejecting our reality does not change our reality so why would we choose to suffer?

    A father has a son who is an alcoholic. He has always fantasized a future where he and his son sit on the back porch drinking beers and shooting the shit. Much to his dismay, his son grows up and struggles with addiction. The father has a difficult time accepting this reality. He ignores instances of destructive behavior and attributes it to an issue of will power or immaturity. When others mention concern he unintentionally invalidates their fears. He talks about when his son will “be able” to drink again.

    Why might he reject the reality that his son is an alcoholic? To avoid the pain of acceptance. With acceptance comes relief as well as a deep sadness (pain). This avoidance keeps people stuck in their suffering. Not only does Dad have to acknowledge the pain associated with his son’s health but he also has to mourn the loss of an idea he’s been holding onto for years. He has to accept that his relationship with his son will be different than what he once imagined.

    Let go of suffering. You will feel the pain, but eventually, you will also feel great relief, which tells you that you have entered a place of acceptance. The pain will bring you to peace.